Friday, March 25, 2011
To try or not to try.?
There are things in life that sometimes you cannot change but can choose to live with or without it. You choose what you would like to do about the situation and how to work your way around it. Me, I try my hardest to change things then get upset if I can't and wouldn't stop until I do. But when do you know enough is enough and that your spending way then enough time trying to change something that simply isn't changing that is ending with the same results every time. I don't like to give up on things or people I love but do I give up because it or he/she isn't changing? Sometimes it's smart to give it a rest so you maintain your sanity but what happens if the task at hand is in reality the only thing that makes you sane? What do you do from there? Only logical thing I see is changing the way you think. But how can u change the way you think after working so long willing to change you and your situation? Believe me if I can change the way I think under just 24 hours. I would. Ever heard that saying don't help other people if they don't wanna help themselves? That's how I'm feeling at the moment. Steady trying to change someone who I see potential in, that has asked me to change and willingly did it for them, but what happens if they wouldn't change for you?
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
You There?
How can you really tell if someone is listening you? Do they tell you they're listening? Do they ask questions in return to start a conversation to really understand where your coming from? Do they look so deep into your eyes while you speak that you feel their listening to your soul? The answer is YES. They do. Lately I feel I speak so the words come out and float through thin air. I want to feel the words I'm speaking are not only being heard, but understood. Understood by the person I love, the people I dislike, the people I don't even know. I have a voice, beautiful, concerned, loud, truthful. I want to tell my story to those who care, to those who would love to know, people who would have concern in what I say enough to speak back.
I want to be asked questions, I want to know you are listening, I want to know that you care, and I would love to know if someone is really there.
I want to be asked questions, I want to know you are listening, I want to know that you care, and I would love to know if someone is really there.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Change.
SO... February 14th I became officially "off the market". My hubby baby proposed to me.
Anywho, right after that on the 18th (the same week) he left me to go on vacation to LA, partying, having a good ol time without me around.... which i HATED.!
I couldn't bare him being away from me for 5 days. I have trust issues with guys, so this killed me inside.. literally. I haven't ate a full meal, or slept for more then 3- 4 hours. I'm empty inside without him. Today is the day he comes back and i don't know whether to question his fidelity or trust his words. He has; in my opinion, ... been acting shady during his time away. & I think someone you recently get engaged to is supposed to know whats going on, how they're feeling, how their day went, etc... But while his time away i think i spoke to him in total about 1 hour. Which I'm concerned about. I tried to talk to him everyday about the way i felt about not talking and did not take it into consideration. So I'm here stuck on my decision to continue this engagement.
He was supposed to make sure i had no doubt while we was apart. He was supposed to call me every night before bed and call every morning when he awoke. What makes him being thousands miles away make it any different from any other day. He changed up as soon as he left. I didn't appreciate it one bit. I cried to maybe fill up 2 gallons and was an emotional wreck.
Yes, i do think he cheated. Yes, I do think he wasn't where he told me where he was supposedly was at. Yes, I have major insecurity issues with him, and the most important of them all , YES, I think he lied. I don't know what about but i do have a enormous hunch that he was untruthful.
I miss him extremely too much to be mad, because he iss coming back home TO ME. But the thought of his being untrustworthy kills me. Its been eating inside to just put his vacation behind us. But why... I settle for what he has told me , i feel i have lost. Lost the battle of finding out the truth. If i let go of his unappreciated actions , he will do it again. How would he learn? What exactly have I learned? Nothing. Not a damn thing. We would go about our day acting like things are okay when in all reality .. It will never be the same. I will look at him with such hate for treating me the way he did during this weekend. , and he will not know. Only because he should have heard me out while we was apart and while i need to talk and express myself to him. If I'm going to be his, I'm supposed to be his 24 hours a day no matter the difference of time frame were in. He will be back in a couple of hours theen will show concern and will want to know whats on my mind, how i am feeling, what are my thoughts and emotions. Its not fair to have to finally after 5 days to speak on his term, on his time. I refuse to speak my feelings with someone who has become such a stranger. Someone who has turned into someone i do not recognize anymore.
This is the first time i ever felt like someone i loved so much tore my heart right out of my chest subliminally. Everyone who had done me dirty let it be known. With no remorse, with no conscious, without thinking how i felt. But i feel the man i love now did it like it was nothing wrong. Like there would be no consequence. Like he knows I will not go anywhere because of what we've been though, because he put a ring on my finger that feels like was only meant for me to act accordingly. I thought it was supposed to be both ways when a guy feels he has chosen the right woman to spend the rest of his life with, his best friend, the only person who will truly know him inside out.
How am i supposed to feel when i cant trust anyone around me with my feelings and thoughts and the only one i want to speak to is no where around?, wasn't around, didn't try to be around, didn't care to be around. Am i supposed to go forward with the way i used to feel or go on how i feel now? I'm so confused, lost, not here, out of my element. He isn't taking blame for his actions so what am i supposed to do? I do not want to mess this up, because of my insecurities, buuuutt he had to make sure that i was okay at all times. o_O and didn't have no worries. But.... all i did was worry. Which sucks big time because i will not get over how he treated me while we was away.
The time is only getting closer to the time he lands and I'm still stuck on which emotion i will ride out with. What if i find a new number? What if i don't, but still don't believe he was faithful. There's so many questions and concerns i have with this man i feel like just screaming, punching, slapping, just plain ol fighting because it will be the only way i will feel i can get all my frustration out on the person who put it there :(
I feel i need advice about this situation, because I've been the lost-est I've ever been about something that is so important and serious to me, that i have no control over. And will never have control over.
So question is... How can I redeem my faith with someone i cannot imagine living without, someone I will continue loving for the rest of my life, someone i cannot breathe without, but at the same time, someone i cannot seem to fully trust?
Anywho, right after that on the 18th (the same week) he left me to go on vacation to LA, partying, having a good ol time without me around.... which i HATED.!
I couldn't bare him being away from me for 5 days. I have trust issues with guys, so this killed me inside.. literally. I haven't ate a full meal, or slept for more then 3- 4 hours. I'm empty inside without him. Today is the day he comes back and i don't know whether to question his fidelity or trust his words. He has; in my opinion, ... been acting shady during his time away. & I think someone you recently get engaged to is supposed to know whats going on, how they're feeling, how their day went, etc... But while his time away i think i spoke to him in total about 1 hour. Which I'm concerned about. I tried to talk to him everyday about the way i felt about not talking and did not take it into consideration. So I'm here stuck on my decision to continue this engagement.
He was supposed to make sure i had no doubt while we was apart. He was supposed to call me every night before bed and call every morning when he awoke. What makes him being thousands miles away make it any different from any other day. He changed up as soon as he left. I didn't appreciate it one bit. I cried to maybe fill up 2 gallons and was an emotional wreck.
Yes, i do think he cheated. Yes, I do think he wasn't where he told me where he was supposedly was at. Yes, I have major insecurity issues with him, and the most important of them all , YES, I think he lied. I don't know what about but i do have a enormous hunch that he was untruthful.
I miss him extremely too much to be mad, because he iss coming back home TO ME. But the thought of his being untrustworthy kills me. Its been eating inside to just put his vacation behind us. But why... I settle for what he has told me , i feel i have lost. Lost the battle of finding out the truth. If i let go of his unappreciated actions , he will do it again. How would he learn? What exactly have I learned? Nothing. Not a damn thing. We would go about our day acting like things are okay when in all reality .. It will never be the same. I will look at him with such hate for treating me the way he did during this weekend. , and he will not know. Only because he should have heard me out while we was apart and while i need to talk and express myself to him. If I'm going to be his, I'm supposed to be his 24 hours a day no matter the difference of time frame were in. He will be back in a couple of hours theen will show concern and will want to know whats on my mind, how i am feeling, what are my thoughts and emotions. Its not fair to have to finally after 5 days to speak on his term, on his time. I refuse to speak my feelings with someone who has become such a stranger. Someone who has turned into someone i do not recognize anymore.
This is the first time i ever felt like someone i loved so much tore my heart right out of my chest subliminally. Everyone who had done me dirty let it be known. With no remorse, with no conscious, without thinking how i felt. But i feel the man i love now did it like it was nothing wrong. Like there would be no consequence. Like he knows I will not go anywhere because of what we've been though, because he put a ring on my finger that feels like was only meant for me to act accordingly. I thought it was supposed to be both ways when a guy feels he has chosen the right woman to spend the rest of his life with, his best friend, the only person who will truly know him inside out.
How am i supposed to feel when i cant trust anyone around me with my feelings and thoughts and the only one i want to speak to is no where around?, wasn't around, didn't try to be around, didn't care to be around. Am i supposed to go forward with the way i used to feel or go on how i feel now? I'm so confused, lost, not here, out of my element. He isn't taking blame for his actions so what am i supposed to do? I do not want to mess this up, because of my insecurities, buuuutt he had to make sure that i was okay at all times. o_O and didn't have no worries. But.... all i did was worry. Which sucks big time because i will not get over how he treated me while we was away.
The time is only getting closer to the time he lands and I'm still stuck on which emotion i will ride out with. What if i find a new number? What if i don't, but still don't believe he was faithful. There's so many questions and concerns i have with this man i feel like just screaming, punching, slapping, just plain ol fighting because it will be the only way i will feel i can get all my frustration out on the person who put it there :(
I feel i need advice about this situation, because I've been the lost-est I've ever been about something that is so important and serious to me, that i have no control over. And will never have control over.
So question is... How can I redeem my faith with someone i cannot imagine living without, someone I will continue loving for the rest of my life, someone i cannot breathe without, but at the same time, someone i cannot seem to fully trust?
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